I would like for us in this edition, to talk about something that requires a lot of attention these days. You call it an evolution, or a lifestyle, but it is represented as the phrase- LIVE-IN LOVERS.
Live-in lovers are people in a relationship who are living together (under the same roof), but are not married. 70-80% among single folks of working class status fit into this situation. All kinds of people (Christians and non-Christians) fit into this web, for all kinds of reasons:
Some believe that this is the easiest way to consolidate their relationship, since a lot people these days (it is claimed) would not want to be married to a “total stranger”. Others get into this web, while trying to put up a fight against the disapproval of their parents and loved ones of their relationships. To others being live-in lovers is cheaper than living apart (considering the standard of living today) especially since they will ultimately be married to each other, yet for some others, it is the fashionable thing to do, since it pronounces commitment to the relationship in more ways than one. For some other people (that I know), they were driven into living together by hostile and unanticipated circumstances around them, and some get into it, just to preserve little secrets about certain embarrassing weaknesses (as in; not washing their dirty linen in public), which might be exposed if they live with other friends of same sex. Whichever reason it is, the following lines, is dedicated to every one who is presently caught in the live-in lovers’ web.
Come unto me all ye that labour and are
heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take
my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am
meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest
for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden
light. Mattew11: 28-30 KJV
Before I continue, let me say that there are two kinds of live-in lovers, those who are live-in lovers by choice, and those who are pushed into it by the circumstances around them.
Believe me, the problem with being live-in lovers is not particularly sex! (Oops, did I just shock somebody?). You do not have to be live-in lovers to be in a sexual relationship. As a matter of fact, you could be having a sexual relationship with your spouse right under her father’s roof, even if the poor man is a reverend gentleman (you already know that don’t you?), and from my little research a lot of the so-called live-in lovers are not having sex. Do not get me wrong, live-in lovers could be, and are actually more susceptible to getting sexually involved with each other than those that are living apart, because the situation in itself could make resistance to ‘red alert’ and ‘sparking wires’ very, very negligible. Yet it is all a function of the mind-set, because couples that are not living together might also get this kick whenever they are alone, even if they see each other once every month. This is usually a lust problem, and not a curse that follows live-in lovers.
Also, a lot of people believe that being live-in lovers is the easiest way to get entangled for life (a lot of people I know would have loved to be…but for this reason). The truth really, is that it is easier for so-called live-in lovers to break up than it is for those living apart. While investments and commitments are made, it is easy to notice those very ugly sides/flaws of the other person; a guy that snores like a pig, whose feet smell once his shoe socks are off, who picks his nose in the crudest of ways and is so disorderly, even to his boxer shorts; or a lady who does not remember she soaked her undies in a small bucket in the bathroom until after ten days. How about when the guy has no respect for your privacy and just talks too much especially about your personal life, or a lady who cannot just stop picking a fight with you, or a neighbour at least once a week. Have you ever considered a spouse who is double dating though you are living together, and is a pathological liar? There are so many reasons why you should feel that the investment or commitment you have made in a live-in lover situation is not commensurate with what you are getting, which will consequently make you throw in the towel for good. In a live-in lover situation, very little secrets are kept. Benin people call it “see finish”, and when you ‘see finish’, what else is there to hold unto?
If you ask me, the biggest problem with an unmarried couple staying together, which is the number one killer of beautiful relationships, is the ROLE: When God created us, He put in us the anointing (ability) to dispense with any responsibility inherent in how we are created and the purpose of our creation. This is why the will of God never takes you to a place where His grace cannot sustain you. For those who understand this, you will agree that God never gives a responsibility, without releasing the requisite anointing (or ability) with which to dispense with that responsibility. A relationship is a responsibility, and God who is the creator of relationships always releases the accompanying anointing with which we handle our relationships.
I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me
Philippians 4:13 KJV
N/B: Christ/Messiah means the anointed one and His anointing.
This is why relationship is not a burden, and if your relationship is a burden, then you might need to really check yourself and consider a lot of things. Responsibility/relationship are in levels, and at every level, God releases power (anointing, ability) which makes the challenges at that level bearable and surmountable. But consider a situation where the ability God has released to you is for the challenges in ‘level 1’, but you are playing the ROLE in ‘level 2’.
Precept must be upon precept…
God is a God of order and He is not chaotic. So whenever a responsibility becomes or is becoming a burden, it could be that something is not in its proper place- a disorder somewhere along the line (this might not always be the case, but it does happen).
Aligning the aforementioned to the subject, I must say that live-in lovers are faced with this problem every other day-No matter how close you are, you are not husband and wife yet; and to this extent, you do not have what it takes (the anointing) to dispense with the responsibility of a husband or a wife. It is easy to play husband/wife when you are in a live-in lover situation. Privileges easily turn into rights; opinions/suggestions easily turn into instructions. Also, when you ascribe the rights and privileges of a husband/wife to yourself, you invite the responsibilities in that capacity upon yourself; and rest assured, you will hit a brick wall.
My candid advice: it will be more honourable if so called live-in lovers would live apart. Do all you can to get accommodation elsewhere for one of you. Seek counsel, because you need all the help you can get. You need a guide. Be bold enough to present the matter to your pastor or someone in your church (preferably a good friend) who your spirit bears witness will understand you and help you with good godly counsel. Do not be afraid or ashamed to seek help in your challenges, so that your mistakes will not mock your miracle.
There hath no temptation taken you but such
as is common to man: but God is faithful,
who will not suffer you to be tempted above
that ye are able; but will with the same temptation
also make a way of escape, that you may be able
to bear. I Corinthians 10:13 KJV
Above all, pray and seek God’s face, because the destiny of a whole nation might be depending on your actions.
Remember! You need the right skill and equipment to climb a coconut tree, or else you will crash land. If you are live-in lovers by choice, it is time to reconsider your position; if you are live-in lovers by some twist, well…it is time to get down on your knees, and God will make a way for you.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution,
or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
…Nay, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through him that loved us.
Romans 8: 35-37
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